Always Strike First
by myxomatosis
Summary: A little trip inside the thoughts and mind of a villian named Vicious as he reflects on his life. I changed the rating to reflect the fact that it isn't as graphic as I thought it would turn out to be. Reviews would be greatly appreciated.
1. Default Chapter

"This will be my last lesson to you, son. Fetch the blade from its case."

I was an obedient child. I fetched the strange knife that my father had never touched. The blade my mother said stunk of death and despair.

"Always strike first. Attack before you are attacked. Kill before you are killed. Betray before you are betrayed."

He opened his shirt and stabbed the blade into his abdomen moving from left to right. Then he pulled the knife out and moved down stabbing himself again and dragging the blade upward. I grabbed his sword and attempted to finish the ritual. I was still too weak. Tears streaming from my eyes I raised the sword again. The sword was then lifted out of my hand. My sister moved me aside and with one fluid motion she finished the ceremony. Father's head fell over, still attached to the body by a small flap of skin.

"Moisten his lips," she said, "And then we need to go."

I have tried to forget that sight, but never the words he said. Those words would stick with me forever.

Once I almost forgot. Once I let myself trust. My father was right, Spike, I should have betrayed you before you betrayed me.

My father's death brought the first stirrings of hatred into my heart. I hated him for leaving. I hated myself for failing and I hated her for always doing what I could not. When my mother died, my sister took me in with her family and I began to hate her more, because she had what I did not.

So I betrayed her before she could betray me. Once again she would be the confirmation of my failure. She would find me one year later.

"Father commited kobara to protect us, to protect his kin," she said holding sharp steel to my neck, "And you would kill your kin. As of this instant you are dead to me. You have no family. You have no name. You are nothing but a vicious beast and if you do not prove your humanity, I will put you down like one. You have fifteen years from the day of the murder."

I asked why she was sparing me.

"I have a heart, you should go find one."

I found a brother first, someone who nearly replaced the family I lost. I showed you the loyalty I denied my sister. I was an envious child, but with you I learned to put my jealousy aside. Even though you were always the golden boy. I was your equal in a fight but you outshone me everywhere else. Mao, Annie, the men, they all loved you. You could put a smile on the face of every random person you met. I could never do that, I never had any talent with people.

That's why Julia meant so much. Few women would ever approach me and fewer would deal with my taciturn disposition. Your presence garaunteed that. Who goes toward the shadow when they could have the light. For a while Julia did, and together the two of you made me believe I had found my heart.

I trusted you. I had some doubts about Julia but my brother would never betray me. I wonder if my sister had once thought the same thing about me.


	2. You Are Nothing

I saw how she looked at you. The way she laughed at all your stupid jokes. Still she came home with me. I started to feel that she wanted me to be more like you. I didn't want to be like you; I wanted to be better than you. The redeye made me faster, and stronger, and more energetic. I could do anything. I was powerful. The failure I had been was washed away replaced by a hero, invincible, as all good heroes are. For every hero there is a villian and I became that villian too.

"You are nothing but a vicious beast."

Words echoed in my head. As I sweated naked in bed I feared that I was still too cold. My thoughts were speeding up but they did not bring me closer to enlightenment. Even lying next to the woman with an angel's form could not bring me comfort. I didn't dream anymore so I stopped sleeping. While Julia rested I killed. I liked the killing and I liked to keep moving. It was as if the world was speeding up and I needed to race ahead of it. I was still looking for proof of my own worth and I found it in my ability to bring others to their deaths.

I was so many pieces. I wanted someone to put me back together. I screamed but there was no sound and no response. You slowly started to move away from me. Julia became less inviting.

I trusted you. I believed you would save me. I saved you. I carried you back. I was the one who dragged you out of the firefight. Bringing you to Julia brought you closer to me physically, but took you both farther away.

I walked into her apartment and it smelled of sweat and sex. The roses fell to the floor and I grasped the hilt of my katana. My body was moving me toward the bedroom and I was on autopilot. I heard your jagged heavy breath first. Then Julia began to pant like some sort of animal. All the happiness, all the love I ever had died that day.

Opening the door and descending on you was easy. Naked and unarmed, you would have been easy prey, but I didn't care. I wanted to show you how much you hurt me. I flipped you over and cut myself instead. I closed my hand around the blade. I remembered seeing my father push the knife in his stomach. I wanted a knife. I drew the sword across my stomach and then you stopped me.

The van went with the usual solution of the tired parent and seperated us. Sending me to that desert waste. I wanted to go. I identified with Titan. We were both barren, empty.

In that emptyness I embraced the one emotion I had left. Cold hatred. I embraced my cold heart. I am a vicious beast; better vicious beast than incompetent prey.


End file.
